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  Chapter 13 – Hole In My Heart

  I still couldn't believe it. Sammie had betrayed me. Used me. Made me... care for her. All to gain access to my mother? I would not have believed it for a second, until I saw her sketches... She saw me as a monster? Worse, I caught her with her girlfriend in her dorm room!

  I have never met anyone like her. When she was around she made it hard to speak rationally. But I should have known better, thinking someone like her would be interested in someone like me. She was obviously so far out of my league.

  She had me believing her. Her kisses... they felt so real and I was surrendering to them more easily than I could ever have imagined. Then she placed the dagger so firmly into my heart without me even knowing it. My emotions were everywhere.

  She kept calling and texting, but I ignored them all. I wanted so badly to answer, but I knew she'd just suck me right back in. I had to be strong.

  It had started as such a great morning. I couldn't wait to see Sammie in Art Theory, I was missing her smile already. I had left my room early so I could get a bite to eat in the cafeteria in the common's building.

  As I was walking across the green, I saw some sort of fliers plastered all over the bulletin boards and the trees around the entire campus. I walked up to a tree to take a look and my blood ran cold. There were two sketches that were unmistakably Sammie's. A demon in the courtyard with my face, and a devil in the hallways of the Academy with my face, as well. What the hell?

  The caption read, “This is what Samantha Roth really thinks of that lesbo Abbey Jacobs. She is just using her to get an A on her assignment about Abbey's mother.”

  Oh my god, it couldn't be true. Did she put these up? I tore them from the tree and ran to her dorm. I didn't even slow when I reached her door and flung it open asking, “Is it true Sa...” The words died in my throat as I saw the object of my affection, the obsession of my heart, in the arms of another woman.

  There is only so much a person can take before they break. This was my breaking point. I had not wanted to believe Sammie was capable of this sort of deception. But I had the proof in my hands and standing right in front of me. God I was such a fool to believe I could find someone who could actually love me for me.

  I couldn't breathe, I had to get out of there. To think. I threw the fliers on the floor and ran. My body hurt everywhere, I knew I had to breathe. I got outside and gasped for air and started sobbing. People all around were looking at me. I tried to slow my breathing, it felt like I had a hole in my heart where Samantha should be.

  I started back to my dorm, then I saw that asshat Nash putting up more of those sketches on the green. He was involved in this too? I finally picked an emotion... rage. He saw me coming, weaving through the early morning crowd, and he had a shit eating grin on his face.

  He said smugly, “Oooo it seems you saw my public service announcement. How's it feel to be the joke of the Academy?”

  I tore the fliers and staple-gun from his hand and threw them on the ground. He sneered at me. “You won't use those cheap tricks on me again. This time I'm ready bitch!” He swung at me and I moved my head slightly to the right, allowing him to strike empty air. I ducked under his outstretched arm and tugged his jacket as I stepped past his guard. He went tumbling to the ground.

  People were gathering all around us. I knew this would get me expelled but right now I didn't care. I just wanted revenge. I wanted this hurt in my soul to go away. He stood up and shrugged off his backpack and advanced again. Doesn’t he ever take the time to think?

  I let my arms drop to my sides, giving him a target. He tried to land a haymaker I saw him plant his feet for it and I was already sidestepping before his swing started. As his arm went harmlessly past me I yanked his jacket twice as hard this time. I could hear the thud as his face met the tree behind me.

  I turned to face him as he put his hand to his face then looked at the blood on his hand. He was enraged now. Good that will make him twice as stupid. He started swinging wildly, trying to connect, telegraphing his punches, making it easy for me to avoid.

  I had had enough of this idiot. It was time to end this. I ducked under a right hook and spun behind him with my back to his and grabbed the hem of his shirt and spun back to his front while lifting his shirt and coat over his head. He was helpless like this and I yanked hard. Sending him into the tree again.

  I clasped my hand into a fist for the first time in my life to punch the asshole when a warm hand rested on my wrist. I knew before I turned that it was her. It promised tranquility, but I wouldn't fall for it again. This was all Sam's doing. I glared at her and then ran off as I saw campus security coming. I had to think. Oh, god what did I do? I just ruined my future. Mom was going to be so disappointed in me.

  I waited in my dorm room... waited for the knock on the door. Gen must have already gone to class because our room was empty. So I sat, waiting to be brought to the Dean's office for my expulsion. This was a zero tolerance campus, fighting meant immediate expulsion. But the knock never came. I just sat there crying. No, I was nobody's victim! I was not going to let this destroy me.

  I stood up and gathered my things as I wiped my tears away. This is what mom would do! I took a deep breath and made my way to my first class of the day. My only hesitation would be that Sammie would be there, mocking me for my stupidity.

  I reached the door of my Art Theory class and took another cleansing deep breath, put a look of confidence on my face that I didn't feel, and stepped through the door. I walked past where I normally sat beside Sammie on my way to the front. She wasn't there and the class was about to start. She was probably afraid to face me I thought as I sat in the second row from the front.

  All through class I kept glancing back to her empty chair. Near the end of class, my cell kept incessantly buzzing in my purse. I reached in and tilted the screen toward me discreetly, leaving it in my purse. It was her. I shut my phone off and tried to pay attention to the professor.

  When class was over I made my way to my Spanish class. I couldn't concentrate on the instructor. I was trying hard not to feel... anything. No, I wasn't going to let her keep doing this to me. It was over. I wouldn't allow her to hurt me anymore. Just move on Abbey. What would mom say? I could hear it now, “Abbey, don't let this define you. Define yourself!” I smiled, even in my head, mom was the strongest person I knew.

  That was it. I decided I was going to take that imaginary advice and define myself. I silently wrote Sammie off. Though a traitorous piece of my heart, still held on. It was good enough for now. I could work on that last bit later.

  At lunch, I went to the commons to eat instead of Campus Grounds. I still couldn't face Samantha there. I'd talk to June later. Oh god, what if June knew? Now stop it Abbey, there was no conspiracy, June is good people. I nodded to myself and brushed an errant tear from my cheek and forced a smile on my face.

  Inside I was dreading Freestyle Art at the end of the day as I worked on the assignment in my Contemporary Poetry class. I smiled hugely, the pain in my heart washing away as I was reading a poem by Vee Jacobs, my other mother. How I wish I could have gotten to know her before the angels took her home.

  The poem, Counting, warmed my heart. But then I suddenly closed the book as it brought up visions of Sammie's smiling face. Dammit! She can't take this from me too! I re-opened the book and continued reading. I relaxed when I moved on to Rebecca Brahms poem, Beginnings.

  All too soon class was over and I made my way trepidatiously to Freestyle. I realized that not only was she going to be there, but my spoken word project revolved around her too. I had been obsessed with her smile since I first saw it that day in the courtyard, when she had first arrived. It wasn't too late for me to change the topic of my project. We still had a lot of time left in the semester.

  My mind was blank in class, I couldn't come up with a new topic. I wrote it off to the stress and emotion of the day. Hmm... the emotion of the day. Maybe I could work with that.

  I k
ept glancing over to Sammie's empty workstation. I wonder how long it would be before she could face me again. I caught myself glancing again. Come on Abbey, focus! I turned back to my project.

  I was startled out of a daydream about a single lock of pink hair in an ocean of gold as people started leaving the classroom. My own mind betrays me! I grabbed my things and made my way outside. I needed to just keep moving, not allow myself to think. So I started walking.

  I have no clue how long I had been walking... hours, but I found myself at Bethesda Terrace in Central Park. Then I found myself looking up at the colorful tiles in the tunnel there. Why had she even showed me this? She was always finding hidden beauty. It made no sense to me unless her entire personality was a ruse. But to what end? For an assignment? But the evidence pointed that way. The final nail in the coffin was catching her with that other woman. Maybe that was what stung the most.

  I shook the thoughts out of my head and made my way down the path and wound up at the Ramble Arch. I laid down on the grass and started working on my spoken word project again. I didn't get very far in the couple hours before sunset. It was like I had used up all of my emotions during the day. I felt like an empty shell. I felt a tear on my cheek, belying that thought. I wiped it away and stood up.

  I took a deep breath and turned back toward the campus. I wound up in the library instead of my room. The books could keep me company in my sorrow. I pulled out my books and started working on my assignments. Then next thing I knew, I was waking up at three in the morning in a puddle of drool on my workspace in the library.

  I felt better as I wiped the drool off my cheek. Better, but with an ache in my gut. I gathered my things and headed to my dorm room. I'd have to sneak in since it was past the two AM curfew. At the last moment, as an epiphany hit, I quickly jotted down “Hole in my Heart.” That could be my new topic.

  I went in the back door of the dorm, that some girls had taped the latch open on, and snuck up to my room. Gen was snoring in her bed. I grinned, she was such a bizarre girl and the snores fit her personality perfectly.

  I pulled off my boots, I was too beat to get undressed, and I fell asleep before I could take three breaths. I had a fitful sleep, dreaming of Sammie standing with her back turned to me.

  Chapter 14 – Revelations

  I woke up to the sound of the door closing. Genevieve must have left to class. Light was streaming into the window. I sat up quickly and looked at the time. “Dammit!” I uttered as I realized I had just a few minutes before class. I rushed into the bathroom and showered.

  I dressed quickly and looked at my wavy hair. I had stopped straightening it for... her. Though it might have made me late, I grabbed my flat iron and straightened my hair. Bringing back the Abbey I knew in the mirror, the one who was sure of herself. Now if only I actually felt that way.

  At least I didn't have her in any of my Tuesday/Thursday classes. I could move past this and get on with my life. Again there was that traitorous twinge in my heart that refused to let go.

  I moved through my day as a robot, just going through the motions. At lunch I again went to the commons, I needed more time to compose myself before I could even look at her again, June would understand that it had nothing to do with her.

  I felt a twinge of guilt, at least I can call her. Besides, I needed to talk to her, June was one of the smartest people I knew, she'd know what to do. I grabbed my phone and looked at the blank screen. Oh yeah, I had turned it off yesterday. I powered it up and was shocked. There were over forty text messages and thirty voice mails.

  Most were from Samantha. I glanced at a couple of the texts, they were all the same. “Please call me, we need to talk!” I deleted them all... and her twenty voice mails without listening to them. Just cut the cord... pull the bandage off and get on with my life.

  The rest of the texts were from June along the lines of, “Where are you?”, “Call me!”, and “What are we going to do about this?” Ahhh, so she had heard. Did Sammie brag about it to her at lunch yesterday?

  I was about to listen to the voice mails when the phone started ringing. Caller ID showed June's name, blazing away. I hit accept and said, “Hello.”

  June instantly responded with urgency, “Oh, thank God. Where have you been? What are we going to do about getting our girl back?”

  I was confused and asked, “What do you mean?”

  She sputtered out, “Good God woman. Just get over to Campus Grounds now!” Then she hung up. Cryptic much JW? I didn't want to see Sammie yet, but June seemed stressed. I could just suck it up and be an adult about it. I didn't want to alienate June and my other friends too. I took a deep, cleansing breath, steeled my nerves, and started walking toward the coffee house.

  I could see June, Marie, Brent, and Kat through the window. Part of me was massively relieved Sam wasn't there, but that traitorous part of me was disappointed. June saw me standing outside and motioned me in with a mothering look on her face. Confusing much, oh sage of the campus?

  I walked in and hesitantly sat, looking around in case... she was here. She was nowhere to be seen. Then immediately June was asking and signing, “So what's the plan? How are we getting Hank back at the Academy?” OK, now I am two hundred percent confused.

  I squinted at her and asked, “Back at the Academy? What are you talking about?”

  She opened her mouth, then looked at me and sighed then asked, “You don't know?” She tilted her head and then began again. “Where have you been the last twenty four hours? After you made Nash beat himself to a bloody pulp, Sammie stepped up and took the heat for you. They expelled her AJ! She packed up and left yesterday.”

  Two things happened at that revelation. One, my confusion doubled yet again, why would she do that after she used me? And two, that little part of me was yelling, “See I told you!” from that sealed off portion of my heart.

  My voice echoed my confusion, “But... she was just using me. Why... what made her do that?”

  June looked at me in shock and voiced it, “Oh my God, you believed it? I swear to God all you frosh need someone to hold your hand at all times!” She shook her head and continued in a matter of fact tone, “Earth to Abbey, that was all Nash. Hank has got it bad for you!”

  I looked around and the others at the table were just nodding like it was the most obvious thing in the universe. My heart sped up, but then I blurted out, “But the... pictures. And... I.. caught her in another girl's arms in her room!” I was shaking my head as I spoke.

  Marie spoke now, “Abs, that was her roommate, Zilrita, she finally showed up yesterday. She's just a really huggy girl, for an emo goth.” Kat grinned and nodded in agreement.

  June's eyes were sparkling with a look that said, “I know a secret.”

  I was three quarters of the way to hyperventilating now. Did I read everything wrong? But... the sketches. It was obvious June knew something. “Spill wench!” I said as I squinted at her.

  This got a snort and giggle from the smiling senior as she said, “You are so dense. Both of you. If I weren't here to spell things out for you, you'd wander around bumping into walls.” She rolled her eyes. “The things I have to spell out to my poor frosh.”

  I could feel hope gathering inside me. For some reason, my sense of humor was returning. I caught myself smiling at her even though I felt the distinct feeling hovering over me saying, “You really fucked up, lady.”

  June must have seen this as she shot a look of pity to me and said, “Do you know when she drew those two? It was just after she saw you in the courtyard making an ass out of Nash and his minions. She took it out of context and thought you were bullying them.”

  I was going to say something, but June just held up a finger, silencing me, and she continued, “But even then, she was attracted to you. She was punishing herself for liking a bully when she drew those.” Then she tilted her head. “Nash stole her sketchbook and found those and did what Nash does. He harnessed all the powers of asshole-dom and used them to try t
o make a fool of you and break you two up. For revenge. It appears he half succeeded... you fell for it.”

  Then Kat joined in. “Did you really think Sammie was capable of something so despicable Abbey?”

  I looked down in shame and said, “Part of me didn't want to believe it.”

  Brent shook his head and said, “Good, listen to that part. The two of you have it so bad for each other, I'm sure the crew on the International Space Station can see it from space.”

  I blushed as everyone else nodded with shit eating grins. Then June added, “And she just sacrificed her college career for you. Would she do that if she was just looking for a good grade on an assignment?” How could I be so stupid? How could I let myself be deceived by Nash like that? Oh God... what have I done?

  June reached into her bag and pulled out something familiar, it was one of Abbey's sketchbooks. “She accidentally left this in my dorm room when she came to say goodbye. You may want to look through it.”

  The group just sat and watched me as I thumbed through the pages. There were sketches of all her friends here at the Academy. Of the park and the campus. They were phenomenal. But the majority of the sketches were of me. I felt myself silently crying. I looked... beautiful. Like I had never seen myself. She pictured me as an angel, a warrior, as something... pure? These pictures... they felt like... love?

  June was hugging my head to her shoulder as I silently sobbed. The others just offered soft smiles when I composed myself again and looked around. Nobody was judging. God I had such wonderful friends! I hugged the sketchbook to my chest then slid it into my bag. I raised an eyebrow to JW and she just nodded.

  We moved the conversation to June's dorm room to strategize, William joined us there. There had to be something we could do. We blew off our classes for the rest of the day. Echoing in my head was the hundred thousand dollar question. “How do you get someone un-expelled?” June told me to call her, but I shook my head. Not until I have an answer to this mess. A little voice in my head was telling me I could never be forgiven for abandoning her in her time of need.