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  Holding the book over toward me so that we could both see it, she began. “This one is called 'The Bird in the Hat'. I wanted to play at the park. And let my dog run and bark. But I could not find my hat. I asked...” and she looked to me eyes darting toward the book “where is it at?” I finished.

  The rest of the book went that way, with me doing the characters voices as Bella read to the group of little faces that were totally enthralled with the tale. She looked so happy and it was so natural for her. Just looking at her, you could almost feel the pride and warmth she radiated toward them, a blind man could see how much she loved children. I felt so lucky just to be sitting next to such a gentle, genuine soul.

  We read two more books that way, then Bella grabbed a small acoustic guitar beside the table, handing it to me with a huge grin. In no time, I was playing and singing a rousing round of 'Old McDonald Had a Farm' and other chart topping classics with the children. Anabella just watched with her hands together on her lips like she was praying, joyful tears threatening.

  Then it was over, all too soon. I was having such a wonderful time, Bella never ceases to amaze me. She was speaking to the group, “Okay bumblebees, that's it for today,” to a disappointed group “ooooh”. “Let's thank Miss Mandy children.” They all chimed in, signing as well, “Thank you, Miss Mandy.” I just shook my head with a smile “No, thank you! It was so much fun!” I replied, signing thank you back with a genuine smile.

  I felt a warm glow in my heart as I thought of June, I couldn't wait till she could interact like this. I didn't have an appreciation for children before my baby came along, it has opened up a whole new world for me. Without even knowing it, Bella has just given me a glimpse into the future and all the wonder it holds for me as a mother.

  “Goodbye, children.” she signed one motion, looked like a goodbye wave to me. “Goodbye” they chimed back while doing the motion with their tiny hands. The little girl hopped off of Anabella's lap and we stood, the munchkin hugging her leg, then moved to me and hugged my leg. Then she was off like a bolt to one of the “I'm-not-hovering” women and they wandered off hand in hand.

  She grabbed my hands in her's, looking at me in excitement “So? What do you think of my children?” I looked at her in wonder. “They love you, you know that right?” I signed love when I said the word. It wasn’t lost on her as I saw her smile twitch bigger. “I have got to say, this is the most important concert I've ever had. I'll hold in my heart forever.” And I meant it.

  There was a soft touch on my arm and I tuned to see a couple with a little boy. The woman smiled “Hi, I don't mean to interrupt. We're Jim and Melanie Pratt. I just wanted to thank you Miss Harris... I mean Fay.” she corrected herself. I appreciated the effort though it was obvious most of the parents knew who I really was. “Our son Kyle had a wonderful time today. I have to admit that you surprised us. I was a little apprehensive when I saw you at Story Time, knowing your reputation. As I watched how you were with the children, how much you cared, and the joy you brought them, I knew I misjudged. For that we are sorry.”

  “No need for apologies Melanie. I did lose my way for quite some years. But I've left all that behind. Besides, being friends with Anabella just brings the good out in people.” I glanced over to a blushing Bella. Melanie almost snorted “She IS a force of nature.” With an amused look on my face I replied “You are actually the second person today that has said that exact thing.”

  We said our goodbyes and on cue the source of my obsession proffered her elbow “Shall we?” “We shall!”

  We walked back to the car in relative silence, just enjoying each others company. I opened the car door for her but Bella stood there looking at me oddly. “What? Do I have an armadillo on my face?” I joked. She smiled “No. Just wondering something? She moved in closer I could detect her scent. Damn I'm going to need to get inoculated for that! It threatened to take me over. “What's that?” I asked as I was taken by surprise by her soft lips on mine, in the gentlest kiss, our lips barely brushing.

  Before I could reboot and restore even rudimentary brain function, she was gone and getting into the car muttering a playful “Damnit!”. Three years later, well fine, it just felt like three years, I regained composure and a little motor control. I shut her door then wandered around and got in the driver's seat.

  “What was...” I started, still a little dazed and giddy. She interrupted with a look of mock disappointment on her face “You just ruined banana cream pie for me. I wanted to verify which tasted better, and you did. Oh, and this can never happen again.” she said matter of factly, her eyes sparkling. These mixed signals are threatening to crash my nervous system. Have I mentioned that she is pure evil? Did I, like, beat puppies or talk in the movie theater in a past life to deserve this torture?

  “Thanks for taking the time to get some insight into my life today. It means a lot to me.” she gently said, “You've been really patient being drug around like this.” I met her eyes, where I'd be happy to stay and I replied “It has been my complete and utter pleasure. You don't have a clue how much you've helped heal me. I've known you two days, it feels like a lifetime.” then I brightened up “Lets go see my June, I'm missing her after being around those lovely kids.”

  We sat in silence on the way back to the Rand castle, my right hand in hers, our fingers laced. Soaking in the togetherness. We arrived at three and I parked on the street since a blue pickup was behind the minivan. I got out and ran around to open Bella's door. Arm offered, and arm taken, then we were off to storm the castle gates.

  Chapter 7 - Breakdown

  We entered the side door, interrupting Sarina and Dave in a liplock in the kitchen, distant giggles coming from the living room. They pulled apart quickly grinning and acting innocent, Dave apparently checking out something interesting on the ceiling. I stopped short uttering “Sorry.” Anabella chimed in from behind me, “Get a room, you two. You're going to scar, M, here.” We all had a chuckle.

  I motioned with my eyes toward the distant giggling, Sarina smiled “Fed, burped, bathed, napped, oil changed, tires rotated. Technician Zoey is testing the suspension now.” I smiled as I move through to the living room to see two babies laid out on a blanket having their feet tickle tortured by Zoey. The little redhead in a cute yellow dress, on all fours resting on her elbows and knees, wiggling her fingers under their fidgeting feet like an evil tickling genius. A giant smile was plastered on her freckled face as she kicked the overstuffed brown couch lazily behind her while she performed her dastardly deed.

  Zoey looked up at us and squealed, jumping to her feet like she was spring loaded “Auntie Ana! Mandy!” zooming over to give us each a leg hug as Anabella's 'Zoey Smile 5000' burned a swath through the space-time continuum toward the little girl “Hi, my little ladybug.”

  A red lightning bolt later and June is being offered to me by the tiny tornado. “Squirt has been a good girl, she drank two bottles all gone today!” she excitedly told me, beaming a tiny, proud, freckled smile up at me as I took my little squirming bundle. Then it was back to Eve's tickle torture for the whirling dervish.

  Dave shouted from the kitchen as the ladies looked adoringly at the children, “You staying for dinner, Mandy? We're having your favorite. 'Food'. I'll whip it up in a couple hours.” I laughed and shouted back, “I'd be delighted, but I swear this family is trying to fatten me up.” Bella looking a question to me with her eyes “Ham just invited me to stay for dinner.” She smiled and nodded.

  Moving like a ninja, Sarina wandered in and stole my baby from my arms. Oh, this is bad, a ninja gypsy queen! She grinned then said, “Ana, why don't you treat her to the 'Ana Sound Experience'? I'm always curious to get other people's opinion of it.”

  I turned to see Anabella glancing around nervously, then she reached forward capturing one of my hands with both of hers “Ummm, do you trust me?” I just nodded like it was the silliest question in the seven known universes. I'd follow this woman to the gates of hell, and I'm starti
ng to think she already knows it.

  She started for the stairs, dragging me behind her in excitement. “Help me.” I mock cried over my shoulder to the rolling of Sarina's eyes. Being of no help, she simply said “Shoo! Off with you woman.” before she turned and started playing giddyup with June on her hip as I was pulled up the stairs. My hand was tingling from the heat and contact of her soft hand as she led me.

  I was dragged down the hall to a small door at the end. Bella turned to look at me smiling as she opened the door, revealing another, smaller stairway leading up. I was about to ask where it led, just to be dragged up into the attic space. The small room appeared to be fitted out like a sound-room. Black, sound absorbing panels on all the walls. Curiosity was burning inside of me as I started to open my mouth to speak, just to be silenced by her soft index finger on my lips. The simple feel of her touch warming my lips had such power over me that I fell silent.

  I glanced around the room. Low cabinets and speakers lined the walls, a large video screen occupied the farthest wall and a comfortable looking black leather chair, with a little side table, sat in the center of the space. She removed her finger from my lips, I was missing the feel of it already, then guided me to chair and gently pushed me into it.

  “No talking. Just trust me. I want to share this with you, but I've been nervous. That damn sea witch of a sister of mine is too impulsive. Now listen to this, no talking.” I was intrigued as she grabbed a remote off the side table and started a video on the large screen of one of my obscure underground club performances in Chicago, from two years ago. Where does she find all this stuff?

  I sat through the song, not impressed with myself. It wasn't my best work; I was totally smashed that night. When it was done, I started to ask why she was showing me this but she raised a warning shush finger at me then handed me some earplugs from a box on the table. “Put 'em in.” I did as I was told and she handed me some noise canceling headphones from the table. Redundant much? I placed them over my ears and what little sound I could still hear with the earplugs was replaced with a gentle hiss of white noise. I was in a sea of silence and I found myself still trying to hear even though I rationally knew I couldn't.

  My goddess was tugging on my arm, getting my attention, she was speaking, or was it laughing. She dragged me to my feet then over to the nearest speaker by the wall. Gaining my attention again, she brought two fingers to her eyes and swung them toward the TV, and I saw her crank the volume to max on the remote . She sat me down on the speaker and started the video again.

  First let me tell you, it is strange watching yourself in pantomime, try watching a video of yourself in a quiet room with the sound muted, then you'll understand what I mean. I could feel myself trying to hear like an idiot. The vibrations rising from the speaker into my legs gave me some sensory input that I grasped at with my senses, trying to fill in the missing input. I dropped my hands from the headphones to rest them on the sides of the speaker.

  It was strange, I could feel the thump of the bass and that the other vibrations had an ebb and flow, some sharp and dramatic and some kind of a comforting hum feel. I still can't describe it well. Without hearing, I found myself watching my face closer, watching my movements, trying to match the vibrations I felt with what I knew was being sung and the music it accompanied.

  The comforting humming feel existed where the harmonies between the music and my voice should be, and the sharpness hit on the down strokes of my guitar. There was an ebb and flow where my voice should be. I can't explain this well, but it made me sad. I watched myself and I realized I looked like I was suffering at points, and it turned to anger and the ebb just repeated over and over with no flow. I could feel myself getting anxious as I watched my chest was tightening up.

  Near the end, as I watched my performance winding down, my face on the screen looked reflective and something else, maybe a little scared, and the gentle harmonizing buzz returned. I was breathing quickly now, almost in physical pain as I watched myself. Then it was done and I was stripping the headphones off my head, throwing them to the ground in a panic and running down the stairs, down the hall into the bathroom, hyperventilating.

  I locked the door and placed my back to it. Ripping the earplugs from my ears and dropping them to the floor and I sobbed. I've cried before, but this was different, I was sobbing, my entire body shaking without even knowing why. That's a lie, I did know. I just hated myself for it.

  There was pounding on the door and both Bella and Sarina were calling out to me. I was so close to a nervous breakdown, I could feel it, I was dancing on the precipice. I could hear Bella's worried voice talking me off the ledge, my mind couldn't understand the words she was saying, but just the tone was melting the red from my vision.

  I took a few ragged deep breaths, calming myself. Forcing my control back. I could understand her words now “M, it's okay. Everything is going to be okay. Just open the door M.” Sarina was mirroring the words. I looked in the mirror, drying my eyes. “Just a second, I'm okay.” I called, mostly trying to convince myself.

  I opened the door, staring at my feet, just to be pulled forward and wrapped in a tight hug from Bella, threatening to squeeze the life out of me. I glanced up to see Sarina behind her and she rested a hand on my shoulder, her thumb stroking my shoulder blade, with concern etched into her face. Sarina turned and I followed her eyes to see Dave with a baby on either hip, standing by the stairs with a scared looking Zoey standing behind him, holding his pant leg.

  Glancing back at Sarina, me still finding it hard to breathe in Bella's embrace, I saw Sarina make some motions with her head. Then Dave and the girls disappeared back down the stairs. Suddenly I could breath again as Bella released her death grip and she backed up to look into my eyes, she turned and I felt myself being dragged into a bedroom and sat onto a bed. Glancing between the sisters on either side of me, each holding a hand, Bella intertwining our fingers. I dipped my eyes, ashamed and embarrassed over my behavior.

  Softly Anabella asked, “What was that?” I looked up at her, not knowing what to say, but the words came anyway. “How did I get so broken? How did I not see it? How did I just let it happen to me, without putting up a fight? Why did it take me so long to start living again? Why don't you hate me for becoming that person?” I gasped after rattling off the questions I had no answer for. I felt such shame. But all I could see painted on Anabella's face was concern and compassion.

  I looked back down. Both sisters tightened their grip on my hands, their thumbs stroking the sides of my hands, willing their strength inside me. Bella's soothing voice said “Shhh... shhhh... Breathe M, I'm here. You are not broken.” I snapped back angry at myself, not at her, “But I just SAW it! I knew I was lost, that was right before I sank to my lowest. I didn’t even know what was happening then. I knew I hated myself then, and I was fine with it, but this is the first time I actually SAW it!”

  “Look at me!” My lifeline snapped at me. I looked at her face, nothing but compassion was there. Her face lined with determination, her eyes strong and unwavering, she continued. “Some strange brown eyed rocker girl once told me something that I will never forget. We all have scars, some are on the outside, some are on the inside. But they are nothing to be ashamed of, they simply show that we survived, we persevered the pain and emotion that brought them about. They make us stronger.”

  My eyes shot to Sarina for a moment, she looked surprised and somehow moved by what Bella had just relayed. I returned my gaze to Anabella.

  Bella leaned in to kiss me, but glanced at her sister then veered off to kiss my cheek instead, squeezing my hand. I looked at the girls, who are now etched into the permanent book of favorites that I just created, and croaked out, “You ladies are amazing. Thank you for putting up with me.” I signed thank you and continued, “I've come to terms with my past, but I've never addressed all the pain and emotion I kept bottled up inside all those years. Actually truly seeing it when I was at my worst just popped the cork and I coul
dn't deal with what came rushing out.” I gave a weak smile begging forgiveness as I released their hands. But both ladies were beaming at me, not looking down on me like I would have imagined.

  “Ummm... so this how everyone handles the 'Ana Sound Experience'?” I looked sheepishly at Sarina and we all shared a nervous laugh. She cocked an eyebrow. “Weeeeell not exactly, but it usually gives insight into Ana's world and shows us what we are missing when all we do is listen instead of feel.” We all got up off the bed, I wiped away the tears with my sleeve and we collectively took a cleansing breath. God, I must look a mess.

  “Once I've calmed down, I'd love to try it again some day.” I admitted.

  “We are here for you, a safety net of family. You can share anything without feeling ashamed or scared. We do not judge in this family.” Sar shot the last part toward Bella with the last one almost as a prompt. I know that Sarina already knows, she's hinted it on many occasions... why doesn't Bella see?

  Well lets go downstairs and watch a chick flick before dinner.” She pulled us all out into the hall and guided us toward the stairs. “It will be fun to torture my dear hubby with it. Oh and Ana, Dave brought the last piece of banana cream pie home from the diner, said he didn't want it to go to waste. He knows it's your favorite.”

  Anabella bumped my hip with a wicked grin. “My SECOND favorite.” Rebooting the heat inside me. Damn I love this girl! Bella and I exchanging wicked grins, leaving Sarina standing in place with her hands on her hips and shaking her head, a bit confused about our inside joke.

  We trundled around the side table and sat down on the couch, with me seated protectively between the sisters, then magic Dave materialized on cue with hot chocolate for all. Dave erected a portable crib beside the couch and deposited two darling sleeping girls on a blanket.