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  Then that evil gypsy queen selected “Imagine Me and You” from the pay per view menu. She's not subtle, that's for sure, but then again, Bella seems to be clueless. I didn't even get through the punch bowl incident in the show before the total physical and mental exhaustion claimed me.

  I woke to someone gently stroking my hair and the credits rolling. I was curled up on the couch with my head resting on Anabella's lap with a blanket draped over me and a sleeping Zoey curled into my belly, my arm around her waist. A smile drifted on my Bella angel's face as she softly said, “There she is.” She rested her palm on my cheek. I could feel her warmth both from her skin and her caring, her scent so soothing.

  Hearing Bella, Sarina popped her head in from the kitchen I turned in Anabella's lap to see her grinning at me like like an idiot, “Hey sleepyhead, dinner in fifteen minutes. You wanna get the babies tanked up and changed up for me, ladies?” Carefully sitting up and sliding out from behind Zoey, then lowering the sleeping freckled mass to the couch, Bella and I went over to the crib and we each snagged a wiggling child.

  Dipping into the diaper bags, it quickly became a baby duel as we tried to be first to change, clean and feed our squirming cargo on a blanket that we laid out on the carpet. Diapers flying powder sprinkling. Darting into the kitchen to warm some bottles. We both lost the competition, the laughing won. Yay laughing! Add one playpen in the kitchen and all was right with the world as we sat down for dinner, happily jostling for positions.

  Everyone grabbed hands. One offered to me by Bella on one side, and Dave on the other. Zoey on my lap, apparently it is 'the best seat in the house', according to her. Then Dave said grace. The food that followed was simple and delectable. I'm getting spoiled here, I just know it.

  The dinner went much like our other meals, just general fun and chit chat, no mention of my breakdown. My chicken pasta and beans seemed to disappear faster than I was eating, no doubt thanks to my little redheaded, freckled symbiot. It just felt nice. It felt like, home. Have you ever have one of those experiences at a family dinner, where you actually take the time to notice the camaraderie as people pass the dishes around gossiping on any random topic? I found myself watching the people gathered around the table in wonder. I buttered two rolls, since I knew one would disappear, realizing what I had missed in my youth. Realizing that this is what a family truly was.

  I continued watching as dinner wound down, and we all cleared the table and cleaned up. Sarina saying to leave the dishes till morning. I sighed “Well I should get little Squirt home and to bed everyone, I really enjoyed the meal and spending time with you. I hope we can do it again soon, without all my drama that is.” That garnered me nods, smiles and lots of eye rolling.

  In sync, without speaking, but sharing stolen glances and smiles, I retrieved a sleeping June from the playpen and Bella gathered my things. Then Anabella and her family wandered outside to the car with me.

  “OhMyGodI'mGonnaMissYou!” Bella said hyper-actively as the group was bidding me farewell for the night at the car. Dave and Sarina hugged me, telling me not be a stranger to castle Rand. Bella had a twinkle in her beautiful eyes, “You realize we haven't been apart in the past thirty four hours?” she grinned. Sarina crossed her arms and shaking her head as she leaned back into Dave's arms. “What am I going to do with you two?”

  My cussing about the over-complex torture device restraint operation of the child seat in the back seat eluding my keen mind, elicited many unwarranted laughs and taunts from the peanut gallery. Then a soft hand snaked between my arms and “click”, done, one child buckled in. “Damnit woman! I need my pride!” I joked at Bella. Who removed herself from behind me at her leisure, with her hot breath at the back of my neck raising goosebumps on my flesh.

  “We better see you two for dinner tomorrow, young lady.” Sarina chided. I rolled my eyes. “Yes mom,” gaining me a slap on the arm as Sarina leaned forward from Dave's embrace. Anabella grabbed my arm with both hands and standing close. “Lunch tomorrow? Fridays are chef salad days! If you are not too busy, that is. What are your plans for the weekend? Whatcha got goin?” she rapid fired.

  I snorted, cutting her off. “Just how many slices of pie did you have? Of course we can do lunch, us starving millionaire rocker chicks never turn down a free meal at Dave's Diner with a beautiful girl! We can discuss the weekend then.” Bella threw a dazzling smile my way, rocking back on her heels before I could throw my deflector shields up. “Ha, I win! Lunch with M. Go me!” she laughed. I rolled my eyes. She's as bad as I am, babbling to herself like that.

  I shook off the tiny redheaded creature that has been attached to me, hugging my leg throughout this entire process, gaining a laughing smile from her and her family. Then I walked around to the drivers side and took a deep breath of the crisp fall air, admiring the neighborhood again before opening the door and jumping inside.

  I let my body sink comfortably into the leather seat. With a final wave to the Rand's, I put the car in gear and pulled away and down the road, making my way back home with a smile on my face. I felt at peace, a huge contrast to what I felt upstairs earlier.

  Chapter 8 – It All Goes To Hell

  In the morning I awoke to the doorbell, I felt oddly refreshed and relaxed. I grabbed my robe that was hanging on its hook on the back of my bedroom door. I wiggled my toes into the deep pile carpeting and checked myself quickly in the full length mirror by the door as I wandered out into the hall towards the stairway, noticing the contrast between the warm carpet in the room and the cold feel of the wood flooring in the hallway.

  I bounded down the stairs two at a time and reached for the door and swung it open, standing behind it peeking my head around it at, grinning at the nanny. Tammy grinned back, I could tell she was wondering what had gotten into me. Her grin went crooked as she asked “Hello Miss Harr... Mandy, how's your little princess doing this morning?”

  I smiled, my mind shot to happy thoughts about June, I took a quick breath “She's exhausted Tammy, we had a big night last night. I'm going to be running some errands today but I should be back around 4:00, then June and I are off to the Rand's for dinner.” I was fiddling with the doorknob, remembering the events of yesterday as she stepped in.

  As I closed the door behind her, I glanced out toward the park, it was going to be a wonderful day! She called back over her shoulder as she made her way past the couch toward the kitchen to prepare some formula for June “They seem like such nice people, especially since you and June seem to be spending a lot of time with them.” she shot back a genuine smile as she disappeared into the kitchen. “You have no idea.” I affirm with a wistful smile.

  I raised my voice a little to be heard as I started back toward the stairs “I'm going to go and get ready for the day. Be down in a bit.” I bounded up the stairs, trailing my fingers along the railing as I went. I looked at the bare hallway, thinking about how I would need to add a runner and a table, and some pictures or something along the walls to make it more “home” like.

  I peeked in on my daughter, she was fidgeting a bit, I'm still in awe of her. It is so hard for me to grasp how much I love such a tiny bundle, love is a concept that has been almost foreign to me for so long. I renewed my vow to make sure she has a better life than me and leaned down into the crib and kissed her gently on the forehead before sneaking back out of her room.

  After I showered, I looked into the foggy mirror, wiped my hand over it and took a deep breath. Excited for a new day. I lazily thumbed through my closet, running my fingers along the fabrics of my outfits, letting them flow through my fingers taking in their texture. I settled on a dress for the first time in a long time, I just felt feminine today, my strappy red red knee length with my wide white belt and sandals should do.

  After accessorizing with some dangly earrings and a pearl necklace, and applying light makeup, I wandered down to the kitchen to grab a cup of the coffee I could smell brewing. I grabbed a mug from the cupboard and poured a cup of the flavorful sme
lling liquid, and walked back out to the couch. Looking around at the house as I went. It could definitely use some personal touches here and there to make it more my home.

  As I sat down on the couch, Tammy ambled downstairs with June and sat on the couch beside me, June squirming around on the couch between us. I grabbed the remote from the coffee table and. and turned on the TV. I divided my attention between tickling June's toes, being rewarded with kicking and giggles, and skimming channels, landing on a local news program.

  Tammy and I just sat enjoying each others company and playing with my daughter, only half paying attention to the news. After the weather, the news anchor came on and announced [[After the break, KLAM has an exclusive on the new scandal involving the self destructive rocker bad girl Mandy Harris.]] with a picture of Anabella and I kissing at the car.

  I could feel the blood drain from my face as I stiffened, pulling my hand from June. I felt dizzy, I couldn't move, I couldn't think, and I was feeling physically ill to my stomach. June started crying but it sounded as if she was so very far away in a tunnel. I felt the couch shift, I think a concerned Tammy had grabbed June to comfort her, and she may have been asking me if I was okay as the commercials went by. My mind was slowly attempting to regain its function again. Shit! This could ruin Bella, my God, what have I done?

  The reporter, Bill whatever, had returned to the screen with a Cheshire cat grin, like he had the story of the year. I went from numb to sensory overload in no time flat. The reporter's voice was booming, an upset June was crying and Tammy was trying to get me to say something. I couldn't pull my eyes away as two photos of Anabella and I hovered behind him. One of her holding my arm from that same morning and the one of her kissing me at the car.

  [[Adding to her long string of depraved scandals. The rock world's bad girl, Mandy Harris, has allegedly been spotted in town recently, cavorting around with what appears to be her new sexual conquest. She seems to have dipped down into the pity pool to hook up with a local, suicidal deaf girl we have identified as Anabella West.

  It came as a surprise to some locals in the area, that Anabella is gay. We are not here to judge, but does this bring up concerns since she works at a music school where young impressionable kids go for lessons, when it appears that that it is one of the couple's secret hookup places? Further, what about the children in the library's Story Time program she volunteers at?

  Mandy Harris appears to be doing this for the shock value, to make more record sales, and she apparently doesn't care who's lives she trashes for it, even if it means corrupting a handicapped girl. We will keep you updated as this story progresses.]]

  The TV went off and Tammy set the remote down, I turned to her as she spoke, I kept glancing between the blank TV screen and her “Mandy? Are you alright? Mandy?” She looked a little scared, cradling June who was finally starting to calm.

  I knew I had to say something, but as I opened my mouth, all my emotions hit like a physical blow to my stomach. “Fuck! Shit!” I screamed, running my shaking hands through my hair, pulling it tight to my scalp trying to think. “Oh my God! Shit! Anabella, what did I do? How can I fix this? Fuck!” My outburst causing another bout of crying from June.

  I stood suddenly I looked around frantically for my purse and grabbed it from the table near the door. I yanked the door open and hoarsely spoke toward a concerned Tammy “I'll, be back. I have to fix this.” and bolted out the door and ran to my car, fumbling for the key. I slammed the door as I jumped into the driver's seat and moments later tires squealed as I quickly pulled away from the curb.

  Thoughts were screaming through my head as I alternated between running one hand through my hair and punching the steering wheel. I can't destroy her life. This isn't happening. What the hell can I do to stop this? I've just messed over the most loving person I've ever met. I felt like the lowest person on earth, like I had betrayed everything I was trying to accomplish with my new life. Betrayed all the new people I have bonded with here. I felt cold all over.

  I broke every traffic and speeding law getting to Anabella's house at breakneck speeds. As I turned onto her street a couple blocks away, I saw news trucks and vans parked everywhere, photographers and reporters all around her front yard. With an angry Dave yelling at them flailing his arms. His face was full of anger and he was shoving reporters off his lawn to the sidewalk.

  Before I got too close, I turned onto a side street and navigated through the alley and parked at their back gate. I turned the car off breathing raggedly, fear and anger catching in my throat. I flung my door open and jumped out, leaving the car door open I ran to the back door, still trying to figure out what to say and how to diffuse this whole mess without Anabella taking any damage.

  I reached the back door, barely aware of my surroundings, and raised my hand to knock, but then I froze as I could hear Bella yelling inside, screaming in such emotional anguish. “This can't be happening! I just want to be normal! I'm broken Sar! I'm deaf and that makes me broken! I tried to kill myself damnit. I'm broken! I'm gay and I'm broken! I never wanted you to find that out, I never wanted you to hate me! I just want to be normal! I can't do this! I can't be with her. My God... I'm going to lose my children! I can't! I'm broken! I'm not normal!”

  I can't begin to describe the hole it tears into your soul, knowing that you have hurt the person you cherish so badly that they believe they are the one who is broken. To hurt her like that, I have to be truly evil. I was physically shaking, gripping my arms to my chest, I felt so cold. I can't stand myself. Why the hell do I always poison anything good in my life. I'm the source of her pain... I did this, I don't deserve happiness.

  Tears were blurring my vision as I turned and ran back toward the car. I tripped on the cobblestone walkway, I couldn't even feel the impact, I scrambled back to my feet and ran to the car. I climbed in and slammed the car door, then just drove. I didn't know where I was going. I couldn't think, couldn't feel. I didn't know how long I had been driving. I'd be better off dead. My damn phone kept on ringing. “Shut the hell up!” I screamed at it and just shut it off.

  As the sun was setting, I found myself back home in my driveway, drinking straight from the bottle of Jack I had picked up during the day.

  I could make it all go away, this is how I did it before... I turned my phone back on, half drunk and dialed my manager. “Terry, yeah its me. No, shut the hell up. Do they still want that tour on the east coast you keep yapping about? Set it up for next week? Sign me up, I'll fly out in the morning. No. No. Yes. I don't care if it is short goddamn notice! Just shut up and do it, or do I need to find somebody else who will? Good.”

  I hung up and staggered out of the car, using the car door to steady me after I slammed it. Then pushing myself off the cold metal, I navigated to the door, fumbling with the keys, trying to unlock the door. After finally succeeding I stumbled into the house and into the house, bottle to my lips. I shut the door and threw my keys and purse on the ground.

  I turned to the living room to see Tammy standing there with a look of concern, sorrow and pity on her face. I don't deserve concern, I don't deserve pity. What the hell is wrong with the woman? I tried to sound calm and sober, failing miserably at both “Can you stay here for the next four weeks Tammy?” I took another swig from my bottle. She just nodded with concern still showing, wringing her hands in front of her and shifting her weight back and fourth from one foot to the next.

  “Good! I'm not gonna fuck up my baby's life like I fucked up everything else! Not like... not like... HER.” I was crying again. Damn whiskey, hurry up and do your job. I took another swig. My voice softened “Thank you.” I said, quietly trying to express my genuine gratitude for her as I stumbled to the couch and raised the bottle to my lips.

  Tammy walked behind me and placed a hand gently on my shoulder. Then she walked off and I heard her make her way upstairs. Through my buzz I heard her muffled voice upstairs, talking to someone but I couldn't make it out. Probably someone to cart me away. Good!<
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  I just sat numbly on the couch for a few minutes, wondering why the damn liquor wasn't silencing the voices in my head, then there was a soft knocking at the door. Probably the goddamn news people finally found my house, it was only a matter of time. I stood and stumbled to the door with my good buddy Jack, and opened it, ready to scream at the bloodsuckers, only to shrink back in shame from the woman standing there, and closed it quickly, locking the deadbolt, sliding down the door with my back to it.

  “Mandy!” I heard Sarina calling through the door, “Mandy open up!” I took another swig. “No, go away! I fucked up. I heard her telling you! I broke her! How do you do that to the person you are in love with? I'm poison! She was the kindest person and I ruined her life!” I yelled back, my speech slurring badly.

  “No Mandy, listen to me! You need to come with me!” I turned my head toward the door, and pulled myself to my feet and fumbled with the lock. Finally getting it unlocked, I swung the door open and yelled in her face “NO! I'm shit! I'm nothing! I HURT HER! Just go away before I ruin your life too!” I threw the bottle on the porch beside her, shattering it and slamming the door in her face. Falling to the ground, then reaching up to lock the deadbolt again.

  I sat on the floor, back against the wall. I sat for almost five minutes watching her shadow through the door's frosted window. She just stood there, unmoving, but finally she slowly turned and walked away.

  “Tammy! Why don't I have any liquor in this house?” I yelled. I just sat there for a few minutes, calming down, the day's events catching up with me, my breathing normalized. God I was tired.

  I heard the stairs creak and Tammy appeared in front of me with a blanket, tears in her eyes. She draped the blanket over me as I sat on the floor resting my head against the door. She gave me a caring smile, shaking her head, and wandered back upstairs toward the nursery. Sleep came fast, thank God I didn't have to live inside my head until the morning.